I went back to some of my entries I wrote on this blog and then decided it was time for a fresh start with it. There is no denying that the last number of months have been hard on the work front and it affected me in a big way. I started doubting myself. I blamed myself for my poor decision-making and felt guilty that I was not happy. And I felt trapped to the point of wondering if life was worth living. But then I thought to myself that I deserved more. I deserved better. And nobody had the right to have that sort of negative power over me. I read a post recently by Simon Sinek and he said that job satisfaction is a right, not a privilege. And I agree. I owe it to myself to be be truly happy in what I do and to be truly valued for what I bring. My decision-making only has to focus on me. And as scary as it might be, if it isn't right, then I should leave. Simple as that. I am grateful to a number of people who I regard as friends and mentors. People who didn't look at me funny when I finally had the courage to tell them what things were like and they gently guided me through my decision-making process.
So when I looked at some of my previous entries there was a lot of emphasis on what went wrong in one situation (it wasn't the only one), but is it really worth it to have such a focus on the actual details of the situation? No it isn't. So I decided to remove my previous posts and start again. Over time I will write posts on some of those aspects but as an informative topic rather than a "I feel sorry for myself".
I pride myself in my ability to mostly be positive even when things are not all that good. Even when life hands you challenges you didn't see coming and weren't prepared for.
As a family having had to deal with child cancer - I can honestly say that was one of THE most difficult and challenging times I ever had. At the age of four, my daughter taught me to keep smiling no matter what. My daughter taught me that life was worth living despite having to deal with cancer. My daughter taught me you only focus on today and you don't look to the past. Now 10 years since her diagnosis, there are still days every so often that are hard, where you start thinking "what if?". But I am grateful to have reached this point. I used to wonder how having cancer and the lengthy treatment (and isolation) would affect her as a person. I can hear her and her friends (who came for a sleep over for her birthday) giggling in the lounge, being typical teenagers and I know she is just perfect. Cancer (as much as it can have power over our lives and our thoughts) wasn't able to have any control over her. It didn't affect the person she was, is and will continue to become.
This image serves as a reminder to me that my issue is just a small speck in comparison to what my daughter and our family have been through. We got through by focusing on each day as it came. This is my approach now as well. I don't know what my next step will look like, all I know is that the current is not right for me. I read a book once. I can't remember what it is called, but I distinctly remember that the doctor told the parents "you can only make decisions with the information you have right now". And as I go into this next week, that is what I will keep telling myself.
I am worth it. I deserve to be valued even if my part might not seem the biggest or the most important, I do play an important part.